I have uneasiness on the mind.
It has been for a while. After this long, I feel like I should be more sure. I should know which path to take.
Minutes, hours, years spent peering into my mind, attempting to decipher truth. Asking others to peer: what do you see? And they answer, wisely, blankly. Nothing.
Pages and pages of writing, pouring over the murky waters and ebbing tides. The answer must be here, musn’t it? Am I not finding it because it does not exist? Or because I am afraid of its truth?
Two roads diverge beneath my feet. One ends in a cliff, and the only option is to leap, with no looking back: to embrace the adrenaline, the fall, and whatever the darkness hides beneath: be it fatal rocks or yielding mattresses or a forever plummet. The other path turns back into woods: a similar direction but through unknown landscape: safer, for the time being, but with its own hidden pitfalls and wonders waiting. Is it nobler to be brave, to let all fly free and to jump with no looking back, to whatever depths might lie below? Or wiser to heed the small voice within that urges to stay one’s hand — the voice that is caution, conscience. Flying leaps are more romantic, but not necessarily a better choice.
There is no easy answer, I feel. And so, at the point of divergence, I stand here, paralyzed by the weight and magnitude of the decision, and the indecision. With each minute waiting, I analyze further, cry a few more tears of frustration, pray a little more for divine intervention and guidance, measure and weigh each path thoroughly. And then continue to stand, ever-rooted to the spot, with the need to move ever-increasing.
I cannot spend my life on this spot. Life is time is movement is stepping out of my mind is picking up my feet is taking a step (or a leap).
Sometimes I feel that the decision, for better or worse, must simply be made and embarked upon without looking back.
Anyone have a coin?
(Also: great news. The roomie and I have talked and talked and talked and she is, though she claims not, a fabulous therapist. We also had a full bottle of wine, and it has been a wonderful Friday eve. Also, everything will be fine eventually. That is not just flippant talk, but comes from a hope rooted in a God who does not abandon. Be blessed, whatever your trial.)