Posted by char
I feel the sudden need to be very honest about my spiritual journey for the past 3 years. It’s not pretty, and it’s left me feeling desperate for something more, a little lost, and terrified of actually getting exactly what I want.
Three years ago, I graduated from a small Christian university. My senior year there was a bit of an eye-opening experience. I was managing editor of the school paper, which gave me access to some university politics that had been hidden to me before. It was also about this time that I started finding my courage as a journalist, the courage to ask tough questions and not accept what authority says at face value. And that can be a dangerous thing for your faith in earthly things. I specify earthly because I don’t think questioning spiritual things, if they are in fact Truth, is dangerous. Earthly things (leaders, institutions), however, are a little weaker when it comes to such scrutiny. My personal spiritual journey at the time was being rocked by a new understanding of who Christ is and what he is all about, and some actions of my university and the American Church as a whole weren’t really lining up with what I was discovering. This was extremely upsetting to me. Maybe I was naive. I knew churches were imperfect, I knew my university wasn’t perfect, but I was still shocked by this disconnect I was finding.*
So shocked that I wanted nothing to do with Christian culture: schools, churches, Christian media, speakers. I was tired of the judgment, intolerance, the suppression, the fact that we weren’t allowed to ask questions or have any doubt at all. I desperately wanted an authentic relationship with God through Christ but without the heavy traditions of Christian culture that had been put in place by leaders who wanted to rein in the masses. I didn’t want my God politicized. I didn’t want laws, shame and guilt that weren’t biblical or came from poor, self-serving interpretations of the Bible. I wanted to ask questions. I wanted to be open with what I was feeling and discovering. I didn’t want to be labeled or judged for what I was going through. I wanted to cut through the culture, tradition and crap and find God. The problem was I didn’t know how anymore.
**I grew up in the church. I’ve been so steeped in youth group, small group, Bible study, mentoring programs, Sunday school and church services that finding a relationship with God stripped of cultural nonsense seemed impossible. I was so disgusted with Church that anything that smacked of tradition and routine I avoided: devotional time, praying before a meal. A prayer journal I wrote in every night for about 10 years, is now a spattering of entries months apart and each one is the same:
“I don’t know how to do this, God. My heart is crying out for you, but I don’t know how to reach for your without feeling completely fake and contrived.” Even the language I was using to talk to Him felt ridiculous.
Desperate, after two years of this, I went back to church. I joined a small group, but I felt trapped still. My church attendance became sporadic because it felt pointless when what I heard there was just church talking points. While I enjoyed the company of my small group, my heart never felt truly safe there. From conversations had, I didn’t feel like my current predicament and beliefs would be understood.
So where does this leave me, after three years? Well, it hasn’t been all bad. I’ve felt like God’s been with me throughout the journey. I wrote a novel to help me process my own journey. He’s been showing me stuff, helping me answer these questions I have through unconventional means because that’s the only way He can reach me right now. It’s come in spurts: sporadic torrential downpours of grace and love in a three-year wilderness. I’ve found other people who have gone through or are on a similar journey, some who were betrayed by church so much much worse than me. But I do feel a bit lost still. With our move to Kansas City, we’ve found a new church, the right church for exactly what I need right now, a church that seems willing to take me exactly as I am and a safe place to recover from this journey and make myself strong again. But there’s still a problem. I still don’t know how to relate to the church. I have baggage that I need to drop, bitterness and cynicism that makes me hesitant to dive in and be vulnerable. And now that I’m confronted by a church that preaches everything I’ve always wanted: authenticity and challenge, I’m terrified of it, like paralyzed with fear. Being a part of something authentic is going to be really hard. But this is one of those moments where I do something because it is hard, and it is right, and fear has no place in my heart.
*Disclaimer: I feel like I should clarify that the disconnect I found and “betrayal” I felt was very mild in the wider scheme of the world. I was never abused or cheated by any church or my university. The truth of it is the image often seen today of the evangelical church being judgmental, intolerant, close-minded and hateful affected me personally over the course of a year and my eyes continued to be opened to this disconnect from the teachings of Christ once I was out of the Church’s bubble.
**Also I want you to know that I don’t regret growing up in the church, steeped in youth group. I don’t regret any part of my spiritual journey despite the roller coaster it has been because it is my journey, and I like what I’m finding, and who knows if I would have found it any other way.