contemplating motherhood

Disclaimer: This is not a pregnancy announcement. I am not trying to get pregnant, and to my knowledge, am not pregnant now.

Sometimes I’m not sure I’ll ever feel ready to be a mom. And for all you parents out there who are ready to jump in with a “But you never feel ready!” comment, save it. I know all the reassuring words you’ll say to convince me I should procreate this very second. Let this childless lady express herself for a second.

When I look in the mirror, all I see is a child staring back at me. I have a young heart. It’s why I get along with children so well. I think it’s why they like me. I enjoy running with them. I like dreaming with them and playing pretend and wrestling and dancing and being loud with them. This heart is probably why my 8-year-old niece told me she knew I would make a good mom (yes, my heart almost burst when she said it). But all I see in the mirror is not a mature, responsible adult who can keep children alive and happy, but a pretender. Wendy Darling trying to care for Lost Boys when she’s just as lost herself.

I’ve been a wife for five years. It’s natural that future possibilities of parenthood is on my mind and a common conversation at our table. But when I look in the mirror I don’t see a self-assured, responsible adult. I see a scrappy, gangly girl who cusses too much and tells dirty jokes. I’m not sure that’s the kind of stuff the best moms are made of.

But, of course, that’s how most moms feel before they become moms, and then it happens, and they’re moms whether they are ready or not because no one is perfect. And that’s probably what will happen to me some day.

2 Comments

  1. I’ve been a mom for a year and a half now and I think it’s better to be a little young at heart… (also young in body, it’s tiring and I wouldn’t want to be doing this if I were much older) I may be 26 but I still get really stupidly excited about Disneyland and reading kids books and playing with playdough, and that’s made time spent with my daughter so enjoyable. I’m sure most parents enjoy time spent with their kids, regardless of whether they’re young at heart or “grown up,” but I think it’s even better this way. :) And if you can take care of dogs, you can take care of a kid… it’s eerily similar.

  2. One of my favorite quotes about having a kid comes from the TV show Scrubs, when Carla tells Turk “Dr. Cox says having a kid is like having a dog that slowly learns to talk.” That would be wicked cool. Thanks for your comment. It’s encouraging.

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